


Til The End Of The Line

by LaFortunaVelutLuna



Series: Bent, Bowed but Not Broken [1]
Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: BDSM, Dom Steve Rogers, Friendship/Love, M/M, Panic Attacks, Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Safe Sane and Consensual, Sub Bucky Barnes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-06
Updated: 2016-11-18
Packaged: 2018-08-19 19:50:26
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,327
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8222837
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LaFortunaVelutLuna/pseuds/LaFortunaVelutLuna
Summary: Bucky has been doing better since coming out of cryo, though he still has his bad days. What nobody knows is that he has a secret way of dealing with his trauma...





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I am new to the Stucky train and I couldn't resist writing a little about our beloved James Barnes... Well, that and the fact that I am kinkiest bitch you will ever meet in your life and the thought of Dom Steve helping Sub Bucky out of a rotten headspace with some safe, safe and consensual play just did things to my ovaries. Comments and Kudos are always welcome and appreciated. Enjoy!

Steve knocked tentatively on his friend's door, not wanting to anger him further with a raucous pounding. He shifted from foot to foot as he considered what might now be wrong with his friend. Since coming out of cryo, Bucky had been on relatively shaky ground when it came to his psychologic stability. Tony and his team had done a phenomenal job of burning out whatever Hydra had done to his brain, effectively 'un-Winter Soldiering' him- but the memories of his actions stayed. Even Stark wasn't savvy enough to cure PTSD.

For the most part, Bucky was a sane and valuable asset to the Avenger's team; he trained hard and he fought well, always for greater good. But some days were harder than others, especially when some asshat at the pentagon refer's to the Winter Soldier as the 'Hydra lapdog'. The former sergeant had flown into a rage, perfectly directing his anger through his metal arm and into several walls of the director's floor. Thankfully, nobody had been hurt but the devastation was enough to remind the brunette of what kind of damage he was capable of. The rage had turned into a full blown panic attack the team just managed to handle.

Now here Steve was, standing outside of his friend's door and hoping he was alright.

"Buck? Buddy?" he asked, knocking once more "It's just me, Buck- I promise! I just want to see if you're doing alright"

Several seconds passed before the door was unlocked and opened just a crack. "Steve?"

The Captain nodded and gave him a smile. "Yeah, Buck. You mind if I come in? We don't have to talk or anything, I'd just like to sit with you for awhile"

_'Just making your presence known and letting him know that you are there could help him come out of this' Natasha said 'But do NOT make him talk if he doesn't want to'_

 

Bucky stepped to the side and let his friend in, closing and locking the door behind them. 

 

"Are you going to tell me to see a shrink?" he asked, harshly.

 

Steve frowned. "You mean old Dr. Heatherton who smells like fish and looks like he'll keel over if a stiff breeze kicks up? No"

 

Despite the surrounding circumstances, Bucky cracked a smile. "It doesn't help, you know- the doctors. They tell you what you already know and they give you pills to shut you up."

 

"You think I don't know that, Buck? I'm pretty sure I saw more doctors pre-serum than you have in your entire lifetime! They poke and prod and look and diagnose, then after awhile they say there is nothing they can do- I get it, man. I've been there"

 

The soldier breathed of relief, his metal fist unclenching from it's previous position; he was safe here, Steve was his friend.

 

"But nevertheless, I would like to help" the Captain stated "No, doctors if you don't want any but is there anything I can do?"

 

Bucky shook his head. "There's nothing, Stevie. I mean- I appreciate you being a friend and having your unfairly sculpted shoulders to lean on..."

 

Steve smirked; his friend would forever be jealous that the serum gave him the better physique.

 

"...but this isn't anything you or the Avenger's or anybody is this building could help me with"

 

His wording caught the blonde's attention. "But there is someone?"

 

Bucky's body language once again tensed, his flight or flight reaction clearly palpable. "Yes"

 

"What? Well then let's get him! Or her! Or it or somebody- whatever, just get moving!"

 

"No" he gritted out "I can't..."

 

In his best Captain America stance, Steve crossed his arms. "And why the hell not?"

 

"Because, I... I don't have an appointment"

 

"If we call your psychiatrist and say that the Winter Soldier is having a meltdown I think they will fit you in"

 

Bucky looked down at his feet, oddly embarrassed. "I- it's not a shrink... The person, the guy. He's not a shrink, he just... helps me with my issues."

 

"So a friend, then?"

 

The brunette shook his head, still refusing to look at the other man. "No"

 

"Then what is he?"

 

Bucky took a deep breath, swore in Romanian and then looked his friend square in the eye.

 

"A dominant"

 

Steve couldn't hide his surprise; he knew what a dominant was (Natasha had been more than informative when he'd asked what 'that shades of Grey thing' meant) but he couldn't understand why Bucky would want one. He'd spent more than half of his life being at the mercy of others; why would he want to be in that position again?

 

"Why do you need a dominant?" he asked, unable to help himself.

 

His friend looked stunned. "That's it?!? You're not going to call me sick or a pansy or some fucked up excuse for a man?"

 

"What? No, Buck! I mean, I admit I'm surprised but if that what you like then I'm not going to judge you for it! I just, I just don't understand why that would be appealing to you..."

 

He sighed, squeezing his head in between his arms. "I don't, I mean- I just... I'm sick, Steve"

 

"No, you're not! Just because you like something, doesn't-"

 

"I mean I'm sick in the head, Rogers!" Bucky snapped "What those bastard did to me will never go away! And you know what? I'm a sick son of a bitch because I don't want it to go away- you want to hear a secret? You want to know the deepest darkest fact about the Winter Soldier? About HYDRA's greatest asset? I didn't fight, Steve- in beginning, sure: I did everything in my power to stop them from using me- my body, my mind, my will. But it only hurt- any kind of fight got beaten out of me a long time ago. And you know what? In a way, I like it- I iked being programmed and told what do- because then it wasn't my fault. All of that blood on my hands, all of that decommissioning, the cryo sleep- everything! I could forget, I could be told what to do and it wouldn't be my fault- I wouldn't be responsible for ANYTHING. But now?!?"

 

The brunette's metal arm went into a wall and made an almost comical looking indent.

 

"Now, it's all on me! Everything! All of those things that I did, all of those things that I said, I remember! Everything good and especially bad that HYDRA took away is now coming back- and on top of it all I now have new memories to deal with! If I fuck up on a mission, it's on me! It's not the Winter Soldier's programming, it's James Barnes's mistake! And I have to live with both sides of that- do you know what kind of burden that is?"

 

No, he didn't- despite everything he had done in his life, Steve Roger's mistakes were a minor speck compared to ink stain of chaos Bucky had been responsible for.

 

"I'm so sorry, Buck" Steve answered, honestly "I didn't know, I swear..."

 

His friend's chest heaved with exertion though the initial anger seemed to have worn off. "I thought therapy would help, in the beginning. I went to all of Stark's shrinks and went through the psych evals and listened to all of the new 'remedies and therapies' available and none of it helped. I tried all the pills, even the illegal stuff and it did nothing! You know that, Steve? The serum purges any kind of crap that we put into our systems- so I went out drinking instead, not that I could get drunk. But I ran into this chick, she was in the military and told me about some of the shit that she went through. I asked her how she got through it and she told me, she didn't have to- that somebody else did it for her.

 

"She had a dominant" Steve guessed.

 

Bucky nodded. "The whole idea seemed disgusting at the time; handing over your body to somebody else to with as they pleased. Weeks flew by and I finally admitted it; that I was craving that feeling again- of having complete power but being absolved of any wrongdoing. I found somebody, a guy who does it professionally- no strings attached. It works, it's been working- until something happens like today and I don't have an appointment. I have nobody else I could go to, and I have nothing else to do besides sit in my room and try to get out this fucked up head space that I'm in."

 

"Why not ask somebody else?"

 

Bucky glared at him. "You think I haven't fucking tried?!? I've looked at everybody within a 500 mile radius and nobody is as discreet or thorough as this guy- I couldn't trust anybody else"

 

Suddenly, this room was too small- and there wasn't enough air, he couldn't catch his breath.  Bucky slid to the floor of his room, his head in between his knees and his arms wrapped around his head. The metal arm was starting to hurt the left side of his cranium but he didn't care; he was passed the point of caring. The Winter Soldier felt the endless pit of empty darkness circle his center, rising up to fill the metaphorical hole in his chest. 

 

"No, no, no, NO!" he shouted, squeezing his arms tighter.

 

Steve recognized the signs of a panic attack and ran to his friend. "Bucky! Bucky, look at me!"

 

 "I c-can't control myself" the soldier gasped "I- I don't have control, I feel like I'm suffocating-"

 

The dirty blonde nodded. "You're having a panic attack, Buck- just breathe."

 

"That's easy for you to fucking say!" Barnes snapped, his metal arm making a fist.

 

The captain took a gamble and locked his arms around his friend, squeezing him with brute strength and hoping the sensation would ground the soldier. Bucky struggled against his hold for a few minutes before he finally went limp, giving up the fight. Steve waited until his comrade's breathing had returned to normal before he spoke.

 

"What does he do, Buck? Your, er.. friend? How does he help you?"

 

The soldier flinched but he stayed still. "He-he ties me up sometimes, never with handcuffs or anything HYDRA used on me but I like rope and stuff. He'll tie me to the bed or hogtie me if I'm having a really hard time. Sometimes he'd gag me, especially when I'd get punished."

 

"And you liked that? It helps you?"

 

Bucky nodded. "It makes me feel better, like I've atoned for what I've done"

 

The older's voice was starting to lower, almost like he was in a trance- leaning listless against his friend's shoulder. As if talking was another catharsis for his pain.

 

"Do you get a um, reward for being good?" Steve asked, testing the waters.

 

The former asset's eyes flicked up to his friend, searching blue eyes for even a hint of mockery or disgust- yet he found none. 

 

"Yes," Bucky admitted, his eyes lowering to the ground "Some days, I don't want it- I don't feel like I've earned it. But other days, I need it- I need to feel something good. There's so much bad in the world, Stevie; I've done so much bad. Just having a few minutes or hours of peace is enough to keep me going sometimes... Is that wrong? I-I mean, am I sick?"

 

Steve shook his head and ran his finger's through long dark locks. "No, not at all. You're not sick or wrong, Buck: you're just damaged right now. What those sick bastards did to you, you're beaten and bruised because of it. And when we are run down like that, we have to find ways to put ourselves back together. For Sam, it's voluntary with the VA's- with you, it's meeting with somebody who can tear you apart to build you back up again. It's your coping skill,your therapy"

 

His friend nodded, several tears running down his cheeks and hitting Steve's boots.

 

"Don't cry, Buck" his friend whispered "There's nothing to be ashamed of"

 

He shook his head. "I can't, I can't do this..."

 

Steve Rogers didn't know what the hell was going through his mind when his mouth opened before he could stop it...

                                                                                                                            *

                                                                                                  **To Be Continued**


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the final part of this story: there is no hardcore BDSM, just Steve taking control of Bucky and giving orders (while he may or may not be jacking him off) *throws in your face and runs away*

"Would it be alright if I helped you? I mean, do you you WANT me to help you?"

Bucky's eyes were shut tight but he nodded, so quickly that the blonde would have missed it if he'd blinked.

"Words, Buck" Steve said, sharply.

The soldier in his arms shuddered, helpless to deny this craving- the beast inside of him that continuously howled and scratched for a way to get out. The monster hidden in the depths of his mind that pleaded to be tamed and scream for mercy.

"Yes," he whispered "Help me, Stevie"

Th captain sighed, relieved he hadn't overstepped his boundaries. "Shall we shift to the bed?"

"No, please don't make me move" the brunette begged, his voice shaky.

His friend nodded. "Shh, it's okay. You don't have to do anything you don't want to do, okay? Do you understand, Bucky? You are in control here"

Bucky shook his head; he didn't want to be in control. "Do something! Make me do something, just stop asking me questions!"

"No!" Steve snapped "When I ask you something, you fucking answer me!"

His friend gasped and looked up into the blue eyes of his friend, now seeing the determination in his pupils. The storm in his mind suddenly halted, calming and seeking the source of his relief; he had to submit. Bucky had to let himself go if this was going to work.

"Y-yes, Steve. I- I mean, sir"

The soldier shook his head and pressed a gentle hand to his friend's chest. "No, Buck- just call me Steve. Or Stevie, whatever makes you comfortable; I'm still your friend"

But they weren't friends right now! Friends were on proportionate ground, friends were equals when it came to a given situation- what they were doing now was NOT something done between 'friends'. How could the brunette explain? How could he tell the man above him that he needed this? That he needed a way to differentiate between who they were and what they were going to be.

"Bucky" the blonde warned "I'm not going to tell you again: Use. Your. Words"

The asset blinked. "I-I need to, um- I mean you need to have a title or a nickname or something... I- I can't call call you Steve in here when we're, you know, and then go back and pretend that nothing happened. It's like where does that end and this begin or vice versa- like, what if I need your help again but I don't know how to vocalize it so-"

"Shh, I understand now" Steve murmured, thinking as he spoke "What about James? I've never called you by your given name. That could be our thing, when this happens- kind of like a code word and a way to isolate our circumstances. Is that alright...James?"

Bucky nodded, sighing. "And maybe I could just call you Captain or Cap? I don't call you that when we're out there"

"That's perfect, James" his friend cooed, caressing his face.

The winter soldier purred and leaned into his friend's hand, slowly sinking into the comfort of submission. Steve made a mental note of his friend's praise kink, making sure to use it as they continued their scene.

"Is there anything you don't like? Or something that might set you off into Winter Soldier mode?"

Bucky shifted uncomfortably. "Don't use restraints on me, at least not right now. I don't mind if you use your body, but handcuffs and the like kind of send me into panic mode... I mean, sometimes I need them and they help me but if I'm not in the mood for it then it doesn't put me in the right head space."

"Okay, I won't use restraints then" the Cap promised, fingers threading through brunette locks "Is there anything that you specifically want right now, though?"

He tried to breathe through his nose. "I, uh- just hold me down. Please?"

Steve wrapped his legs around his friend and bear hugged him tightly, using his strength to keep his friend in place. And Bucky didn't fight; he didn't attempt to loosen his dominant's hold or test his power- he simply went limp.The blonde breathed slowly, waiting for the man in his arms to match his pattern before gently caressing the brunette's chest.

"Good, James" he whispered "You're doing so well... Now I want you to keep your breathing steady, alright? Stay calm and cast your mind back to earlier this afternoon; tell me what what set you off"

Bucky shook his head and tried to move out the Captain's grip. "No, I don't want to-"

"Did I ask what you wanted to do?" he interrupted, squeezing him tighter "No: I told you to remember and you will listen- unless you use your safeword... Speaking of which, what is your safeword?"

"Hydra..."

A fitting word considering what he'd been through. "Do you want to use it now?"

"No," his friend admitted "I just, I don't want to remember..."

Steve squeezed him tighter. "You have to; how are we going to work through what happened if you don't remember?"

The soldier tightened his fists and shut his eyes, recalling the earlier events of the day and reliving all of the terrible emotions that went along with them.

"Fury was talking to one of the higher ups about the mission and I was standing behind him; I overheard people in the background, you know: Super Soldier hearing... It was mostly white noise; talking about this and that but one thing stood out. This guy was groaning about me being let into the Pentagon, said that I had been a U.S enemy for over seventy years and why should I have higher clearance than him. It was mostly infantile complaining but- but then he said that I wasn't a real American, that I was just leading everybody on and would turn at the snap of a finger. Because what else would you expect from a bitch?"

"Is that all?" his friend asked, threading his fingers through the long brunette locks.

Bucky shook his head. "Another guy laughed, someone from the secret service I think. He said that 'bitch' was too kind of a term, that I was more of a lap dog than anything..."

"Is that what set you off?" the Captain inquired "Or was it the memories that followed?"

"Both" he admitted "He made it sound like I'd enjoyed what they did to me, like I wanted to be a part of Hydra and happily ran back to them once I'd finished a mission. It wasn't like that! I hated every bit of it; even if I wasn't totally there, sometimes I would slip in and out but I still couldn't stop myself. It was so robotic; the stabbing, the shooting, the killing... It wasn't something I wanted to do!"

"I understand, James. It's okay, it's not your fault"

The brunette started shaking. "But I did it..."

"James, I did not ask you a question. I am TELLING you: It. Was. Not. Your. Fault. Do you understand me?"

Bucky whimpered in his friend's arms. "Yes, Captain"

Steve took a chance and pressed a gentle kiss to the soldier's head. "Do you feel better now?"

No, he didn't. He felt better than he had before; the weight he had been carrying was off of his soldiers, but it wasn't gone. It felt like whatever had been weighing him down was now hovering him, not weighing him down but not completely gone either- it was a looming threat still there and still ready to crush him if he made one wrong move. Bucky didn't know what to say, normally he didn't have to say anything and it was all taken care of for him- but he was with Steve now and Steve didn't know. He wasn't used to the way things got handled when Bucky was in this headspace and he couldn't just leave him like this, he'd drop if he did...

"James, what's wrong?" the blonde asked.

Bucky tried to squirm away, too scared to answer. 'I'm fine now, you can go"

"No, I can't because you are obviously hiding something from me" he observed "Now tell me"

He shook his head, dark locks swaying with him. "No, I can't- you can't help me with this..."

"I said I would and I will, no matter what it is" Steve insisted "Now what is it? Does he hit you? Mark you up a bit?"

His friend mewled. "Sometimes, but that's not it- it, it's not... Just let me go, let me go, Stevie and I can take care of it myself"

Ah... "He gets you off, doesn't he?"

Bucky went rigid, waiting for the other shoe to drop and expecting Steve to push him away- call him sick or demented or accuse him of being a pansy. There would be nothing worse: to lose his friend like this, in the middle of a scene, to leave him hanging... the seventy years of torture HYDRA inflicted would be nothing compared to that kind of abandonment.

"James..." the Captain warned "I asked you a question and I expect it to be answered. I am only going to ask you one more time: does he get you off?"

The brunette nodded slowly, keeping his eyes on the ground and willing his tears not to spill over.

"Do you want to get off?" Steve asked, casually.

Bucky nodded, embarrassingly eager and ready to rise up and out of this terrible place he is in.

His friend reaches for his fly and unzips his tactical pants, doing his best to pull the trousers and his underwear down to his thigh. Bucky looks away from his lap in humiliation; he's already half hard and slowly rising to the occasion. Before he can protest, Steve wraps a hand around his length and slowly coaxes him to entirety. The soldier sighs; the blonde's hand is warm, so warm- Steve is always warm, everywhere. Bucky nuzzles even further into his friend's chest and tries to wrap himself in the Captain's body heat: how does he stay so warm? Years ago it was the other way around; little anemic Stevie who always carried an extra coat, always needed another blanket, always snuggled closer to his friend in an effort to get 'toasty'. Now here was Bucky, shivering like he was straight of cryo and struggling for warmth. Steve held him tighter and continued stroking him, slow and steady.

"Is this okay?" he whispered, pulling back some stray tresses from his friend's face.

The former asset nodded against him. "Yes, yes- so good..."

"Does he talk to you?" the Captain asked, tightening his grip "Your dominant; does he talk to you while he does this?"

Bucky shook, this time for a completely different reason. "S-sometimes, sometimes he'll praise me. Tell me what I did well and how much better I'm doing. Gives me something to focus on- I don't freak out"

"Okay, good" the blonde crooned "Thank you for telling, James... You're doing great"

His friend went boneless in his arms, relaxing into the sensations: the words were lulling him down and the hand on his rock hard dick was winding him up while simultaneously easing him. 

"That's it, you're doing so well. I'm so proud of you, James; talking through it and communicating with me"

Truth be told, Steve had no idea what the hell he was doing. He'd commended soldiers on their work and had thanked friends for their kindness but he'd never been in this situation; had never had somebody underneath him or in between his legs to praise. The Captain was completely out of his depth as far as that was concerned, thought he physical part was a bit better; he'd restrained Bucky before, he'd jacked himself off multiple times through out his life and knew how to keep someone calm- that was all he had to do, keep his friend calm and work him through his orgasm.

"Are you close, B- James?"

The brunette's breathing was picking up and he nodded quickly. "So- so close, Cap.. please, just tighter- faster, too"

Steve did as he asked, squeezing his friend's length and working him at super soldier speed, desperate for his comrade to fall off the edge.

"Oh, oh my God... yeah"

"Yes, look at good you are- you're doing so well" the blonde commended, pressing his thumb against the head "Come on, James, come now..."

Bucky's head falls backwards, exposing his throat and hitching his breath. "Fuck!"

And just like that, the brunette reaches completion; painting his tactical pants with his come and still thrusting into his friend's hand, milking his pleasure until he is completely sated. He goes limp in the Captain's arms, trying to catch his breath and retain some sort of dignity, though he soon gives up on the latter.

"Buck?"

"Hmm?" he answers, too satisfied to do much else.

Steve adjusts their placement, trying to ease the ache in his shoulders. "Are you better now? I mean, do you feel like you're in a better place now?"

"Yeah, I mean yes" he replies, attempting to sit up "Just give me a second and I'll-"

"No, stay down for a bit" he interrupts "Just relax, ease back out of it- there's no rush. I won't go anywhere until you ask me"

Bucky relaxes, once more letting go of the tension in his shoulders: things weren't weird between them. Nothing would change them: not age, not super soldier experimentation, not time, not brainwashing, governments or HYDRA- they would always be Bucky and Steve.


End file.
